A Tale of Obsession and Sugar

If I could change I would

Take back the pain I would

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would

If I’m not mistaken those are lyrics from a song and its been stuck in my head for a quite while. But what to do, I’m emo and I have every right to use every ounce of emo artillery at hand. So I’ve been told that I’m making a habit of being emo. Don’t worry. After this you won’t have to bother with me anymore.

It seems odd that yesterday was even allowed to happen. I still wonder whether I’m stuck in some dillusion but I know that in the morning I’ll wake up feeling the same way; wondering where something so special went wrong and how we messed up. How I messed up.

I wanted to ask for many more things but it just doesn’t feel right to pull favours at this time. I wanted to ask you if we could ever be friends again. I wanted to ask you to tell me when you’re sad and when you’re happy so I can at least try to make things better. I wanted you to know that everything I ever got for you no matter whether they were already given or currently sitting in a plastic bag in your room still belongs to you. They’re yours to keep. You can tear them up and destroy them if the sight of them brings too much pain. Its all your property. But then again, this is the one time I think you’ll agree when I say I know my place. I can’t ask for things like that. It’s plain absurd.

..

Towards the end, I really did try and its saddening when you accuse me of rarely making an effort. But given our current situation, I guess its just never meant to be no matter how hard I tried. I guess that in the end I realised that and just gave up. Thats probably my fault too.

So anyway, I hope you’ll find someone that can truly make you happy one day. And.. And.. I don’t know. I don’t like the way this ends. It feels like its hanging. Everything seems to be at a cliffhanger these days.

…

I feel like those numbers were for nothing.

Blog closed indefinitely.

My life has pretty much been planned for as long as I can remember. Family, education, occupation. Ask me and I can tell you in detail what I’ll be doing and the outcome. Seems pleasant, no? The thought that everything will fall in place exactly as planned. But in the end, it all boils down to what they have planned. You’re main objective is to just obey and execute orders. Sometimes I wonder whether its what I want or not. Whether they really know whats best for me instead of themselves. I’ve never believed that people have an innate ability to help others. Look at the all bastards around you and you’ll see how farfetced selflessness is.

I want to get away from it all. Pack my bags and move to some foreign destination leaving behind all the emotional baggage and responsibilities I have. ‘Runaway’, as you might call it. Take the cowards way and leave everything in the past. Running away however, takes more courage than staying. You’re more of a coward if you let yourself rot in something you hate.

You’re a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you’re back is the latest trend
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
I want more fans, you want more stage
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I’m in love with how you feel
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body’s swinging from side to side
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can’t, you forgive me?
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Oh I had alot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren’t the same
‘Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

This time I think I’m to blame
It’s harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
‘Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

Arif, I’m sorry for all those times we fought because I wanted to do things my way. If I could, I would take back all those times we quarreled just so I could be by your side for a few extra minutes. I miss you. Be good my little boy.

A friend told me something interesting today about my nickname, Mira.

mirar

So Mira actually means to look/watch. Cool

..

Off to bloody Intec tomorrow

I turned my back because in the midst of all the mistrust and lies I finally realised there was nothing left to salvage. Time spent sifting through what it was and what it could be won’t change the present. I can’t change what happened, even if I wanted to.

Thank you, though, for trying to understand and make things easier for me. Regardless of that incident, you’ve always had my best interests at heart even though you were putting up a front. I still love you very much. Hope you are feeling better now.

Other people have no say in what goes on in our life.

Today I cut my finger, locked myself out of my hostel room, lost my Touch n Go card and got lost for almost an hour on the road.

Then this handsome stranger guided me home and gave me a kiss.

And now everything’s okay again.

Merry Christmas everyone!