Reason

Sometimes I wonder why we gamble. Not the kind where cash is replaced by chips and we go all in hoping against all rational thought that we’ve beaten the odds. But more of the kind where we risk losing immaterial things just for trying to make our lives a little bit better.

That’s probably why we play these games on people. To measure them up and see with our own two eyes the person they really are. However the results of our little tests have the potential to truely screw up whatever belief we have left in mankind. Which is why most people delude themselves into thinking everything is alright the way it is. Fear of facing reality and/or blindness. Two medically certified handicaps.

Trust is either severely misplaced or deficient in our lives. We need people to prove their worth instead of just talking cock.

I’ve always thought to myself, if someone can live up to my expectations, then it was worth fighting for, but if not.. well.. It’s a sort a gamble. When you go all in you either win everything or leave empty handed.

I guess people only gamble because of desperation or they have nothing to lose in the first place.

Love is

1. God’s gift and Satan’s scourge.

2. The final result of the natural chemical blending of unrelated feelings that one holds toward another, which, once synthesized, create an emotion that is independent of the confines of time or the elements of this existence. Though the vitality of that said emotion inevitably weakens and falters, never does it truly filter.

3. A flawed definition for an emotion which modern society has perverted through practicality. Practicality is reserved for a practical world. And in a practical world, things like love would not exist. No, ‘love’ is rather a definition for the dictionary of one’s heart, not Webster’s.

4. A contradiction, a conundrum cloaked in ambiguity.

5. A pleasant thought in a world filled with terrible ideals.

6. A quagmire of depression from which none can immerge unscathed.

7. A force of nature which, like any other natural phenomenon, cannot be civilized, contained or contended. A force which cannot be controlled, avoided, destroyed or escaped and often results in extreme destruction.

8. A terminal illness; much like cancer in its nature. It starts at the heart, spreads to the soul, before inevitably polluting the mind. To date, the medical community remains baffled as to discovering an effective treatment for this potentially fatal malady, much less a cure. Demographically speaking, the young and the foolish are counted among the most susceptible to contract this disease and the destitute romantics are considered to be exceptionably vulnerable.

9. A vast unknown frontier of thoughts and feelings which only the most fortunate ever have the opportunity to explore.

10. A resilient, false hope eating parasite, which adopts the human heart as its host.

Geez I think I have too much free time..

Step 3

How to Avoid Disappointment

1. Smile and nod your head when promise breaking loser promises you something.

2. Don’t believe the promise breaking loser.

3. Don’t wait for the inevitable. Instead, work out at the gym, get a smoking hot body, hook up with someone better with said smoking hot body and dump promise breaking loser.

4. Repeat steps 1 to 3.

Note: Only go through this process if you hook up with promise breaking loser. Be aware that someone better might also turn out to be promise breaking loser.

Good luck.

Step 2

Men are like dogs. They can be divided into two categories.

A: The ones who will stay devoted to you for life and will gladly pull you out of a burning building by the teeth.

B: The ones that bite.

All they need to change is training. A little bit of threats and punishments goes a long way.

Protected: How far will you go to protect yourself?

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Notion

Just to clear the air, I’m not in/falling in love.

I’m done dealing with things I don’t understand.

You can disagree, but I’ll still be right.

Step 1

Today I stayed in the Library til closing time. On a Friday night mind you. When my exams are done I’m gonna make a bonfire out of all the notes and books I have accumulated over the semester and roast marshmellows over it. Burn and die Pink and Blue Sheets. See you in hell Principles of Business Law textbook.

NONETHELESS, good progress + good food + good company = good day

But today as we kissed goodbye, he suddenly broke away.

‘Woah,’ he said, blinking to himself. ‘You just made my head spin,’ he added with a smile.

In an instant my insides turned to ice. My heart switched places with my stomach as if I were free falling from one of those insanely tall skyscrapers.

Oh hell no. I’m so not ready for this.

Don’t they know that fear of disappointment always walks hand in hand with fear of serious relationships? Perhaps even fear of falling in love. No, I am not overreacting, at the rate this is going I’m probably underestimating it. Or maybe this fear has taken new heights and I’m starting to overanalyse things as a reflex action.

Do I want to be with him? Yes.

Do I want to have a relationship? No.

As a good friend of mine once said to me: ‘God, what have you gotten yourself into this time?’

By the way, did you know that Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words? I kid you not, go Google it. Wonder what it’s like having a fear you can’t talk about.

Baby Steps

He’s not wonderful.

The way he insults my homemaking skills. The way he silently mocks me as I struggle to keep my head in the kitchen after yelling at him to shut up. The way he snatches food away from me and say ‘You eat too much’ and completely devours them eventhough he says he bought it for me five minutes earlier. The way he makes fun of the way I dress. The way it’s goddamn impossible to contact him sometimes. The way he can’t accept opinions aside from his own. The way he forgets things. Important things.

There are times when I fantasize about beating him with my 800 paged Statistics textbook.

Plus he snores.

…

As I daydream on my bed he reaches out to me and pulls me closer to him. Our eyes meet and we smile to one another. He asks me whether I want to move in with him officially. I laugh at him and say I wouldn’t move in with him even if he paid me. He pouts then asks whether he can drop me off at the airport at the end of the month. Sneaks in a kiss to bribe me. Sneaky bugger. As I pause and stay silent as if seriously contemplating his request, he starts tickling me and soon we’re both on the floor breathless from laughter.

This is what we do. We make fun of each others flaws, give each other a hard time about it and eventually go overboard and snap at one another. But at the end of the day there’s always someone quietly taking the others hand and trying to make things better. Key word is try cause we both have pretty big egos. We both know what our faults are and we accept them especially with the other aggressively pointing it out. Sometimes I think we’re too frank with one another..

I don’t know about him but it’s the first time I’m really making an effort to change. Not who I am, but more of what I do. He says he’s already happy with who I am right now. And that makes me.. I dunno.. Happy?

Its weird how similar we both are and seem to understand one another.

Ah, I’ve just said a cliche.

He interupts my train of thoughts yet again by whining about how hungry he is. I remind him that slaves work to eat, not eat to work and order him to continue hanging my freshly laundered clothes into my wardrobe. I then proudly brandish a crumpled piece of paper stating his slavery term of a period of 72 hours. A legally binding document signed by the both of us. Turns out paying attention in Law class taught me something useful after all. He mutters something in French and continues his ‘chore’.

Yeah he’s not wonderful, but then again who is? ‘Wonder’ is at the beginning of that word for a reason and I think I’m beginning to be more accepting towards human drawbacks.

I hear him singing lyrics from a familiar love song. For someone hungry he sure has enough energy to spare. I roll my eyes but despite myself, feel a tiny smile spreading across my face.

He’s not wonderful, but I’m happy.

Plus he cooks for me and buys me yummy yummies. Yes!

Smug

Now let the games begin.

Plans

Lately I’ve been thinking about love/the emotion that people think they feel when they’ve lost all sense and become infatuated with another being. Phrases like ‘That no matter what, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will always love you no matter what’ or ‘That I will never be able to shut up about you, because I will never be able to stop thinking about you.’

Ah naivety.

Ah innocence. The pure act of building a world around  just two people and proudly annoucing that your love is unconditional.

It doesn’t really work out in the end does it? Phrases like ‘I will love you forever till the day I die, my love’ shows promise of a life of eternal love. Thats crap though cause what they really mean deep down is

‘I love you for as long as you don’t cheat on me.’

‘I love you for as long as you earn enough money to fulfil my wants and needs.’

‘I love you for as long as you don’t abuse me.’

‘I love you for as long as you want me.’

‘I love you for as long as you be the person I want you to be.’

There is no such thing as unconditional love. The moment your partner does something stupid like cheat on you, give you an STD, steal all your money and runaway to a distant country to spend it on a some bimbo or hit you in the face, you pack your bags and leave. Even if you try to work it out, by Round Two or Three you would’ve given up and left anyway. We don’t really love people. We love the idea of what they can give us and the illusion of what we think they are. Cause as soon as we get caught in a situation that threatens our love, we turn our backs and walk the other way. And we can’t even love ourselves unconditionally as we start to curse our stupidity and damn the existence of our former selves.

Every morning when we wake up we take one of these two pills called ‘Love’ or ‘Waiting for Love’. Then as the pills take effect we go about our everyday motions and live through said misconception. I’m not doing that anymore. I just pop in a placebo as a formality and do what I want. It’s more self-fulfilling and I’m pretty damn satisfied with what I have right now. Big emphasis on satisfied.