Now let the games begin.
Monthly Archives: May 2009
Lately I’ve been thinking about love/the emotion that people think they feel when they’ve lost all sense and become infatuated with another being. Phrases like ‘That no matter what, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will always love you no matter what’ or ‘That I will never be able to shut up about you, because I will never be able to stop thinking about you.’
Ah naivety.
Ah innocence. The pure act of building a world around just two people and proudly annoucing that your love is unconditional.
It doesn’t really work out in the end does it? Phrases like ‘I will love you forever till the day I die, my love’ shows promise of a life of eternal love. Thats crap though cause what they really mean deep down is
‘I love you for as long as you don’t cheat on me.’
‘I love you for as long as you earn enough money to fulfil my wants and needs.’
‘I love you for as long as you don’t abuse me.’
‘I love you for as long as you want me.’
‘I love you for as long as you be the person I want you to be.’
There is no such thing as unconditional love. The moment your partner does something stupid like cheat on you, give you an STD, steal all your money and runaway to a distant country to spend it on a some bimbo or hit you in the face, you pack your bags and leave. Even if you try to work it out, by Round Two or Three you would’ve given up and left anyway. We don’t really love people. We love the idea of what they can give us and the illusion of what we think they are. Cause as soon as we get caught in a situation that threatens our love, we turn our backs and walk the other way. And we can’t even love ourselves unconditionally as we start to curse our stupidity and damn the existence of our former selves.
Every morning when we wake up we take one of these two pills called ‘Love’ or ‘Waiting for Love’. Then as the pills take effect we go about our everyday motions and live through said misconception. I’m not doing that anymore. I just pop in a placebo as a formality and do what I want. It’s more self-fulfilling and I’m pretty damn satisfied with what I have right now. Big emphasis on satisfied.
So I’ve been thinking.
I’m a magnet for useless men. Whether they can be considered men or not will be discussed another day.
Moochers, losers, liars pfft don’t get me started.
Now it’s time to be a man ie. Go in, get what you want, leave with a surplus.
I’ve always done what I wanted to do, but now its going to be without a conscious.
Now go away and let me rebound in peace.
Yes, I’m talking to ‘you’.
you find out what people say about you behind your back? After building a trusting relationship/friendship with someone and lulling yourself into a sense of security, you discover things that make your eyes sting and insides shrink. With nothing left to show for it except the sheer evidence staring straight in your face. And that little voice whispering into your ear ‘Stupid. You’re so fucking stupid’.
I find out most of the time. In fact, I have regular conversations with the voice. And I’m not going to lie and pretend to be some emotionally detached person; it hurts. Everytime it happens I just want to lie down in a fetal position and think to myself over and over again ‘Oh god, not again’. You’d think that I would’ve gotten better at coping but I’m not. It’s taking a toll on me and lately its more than I’d like to show.
The thing is, I’m smarter and more intuitive than people give me credit for. I watch people, indentify their personalities and decide on how I want to react. Some might say that I’m shy around strangers but the fact is I’m calculating a range of actions and reactions that would take place. From that I customize my list of people to trust, and the more mistakes I make in analyzing, the more I learn, and that list of people inevitably grows shorter.
Cross.
Cross.
Cross.
One day there probably won’t be any names left on that list, and the thought of that makes me feel like the loneliest person in the world sometimes. But the more I get accustomed to the thought, the more I think I’m okay with it. There’s as much as one person can withstand. A limit to the number of times I can look at someone in the eye and wonder about their true intentions. I’m sitting precariously on a ledge and I’m tired. So tired..
But even as I close my weary eyes and losen my grip, I manage to take a peek through my half-closed eyelids and think to myself ‘No matter what, the view from the edge is goddamn beautiful’.
