Just to clear the air, I’m not in/falling in love.
I’m done dealing with things I don’t understand.
You can disagree, but I’ll still be right.
Today I stayed in the Library til closing time. On a Friday night mind you. When my exams are done I’m gonna make a bonfire out of all the notes and books I have accumulated over the semester and roast marshmellows over it. Burn and die Pink and Blue Sheets. See you in hell Principles of Business Law textbook.
NONETHELESS, good progress + good food + good company = good day
But today as we kissed goodbye, he suddenly broke away.
‘Woah,’ he said, blinking to himself. ‘You just made my head spin,’ he added with a smile.
In an instant my insides turned to ice. My heart switched places with my stomach as if I were free falling from one of those insanely tall skyscrapers.
Oh hell no. I’m so not ready for this.
Don’t they know that fear of disappointment always walks hand in hand with fear of serious relationships? Perhaps even fear of falling in love. No, I am not overreacting, at the rate this is going I’m probably underestimating it. Or maybe this fear has taken new heights and I’m starting to overanalyse things as a reflex action.
Do I want to be with him? Yes.
Do I want to have a relationship? No.
As a good friend of mine once said to me: ‘God, what have you gotten yourself into this time?’
By the way, did you know that Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words? I kid you not, go Google it. Wonder what it’s like having a fear you can’t talk about.
He’s not wonderful.
The way he insults my homemaking skills. The way he silently mocks me as I struggle to keep my head in the kitchen after yelling at him to shut up. The way he snatches food away from me and say ‘You eat too much’ and completely devours them eventhough he says he bought it for me five minutes earlier. The way he makes fun of the way I dress. The way it’s goddamn impossible to contact him sometimes. The way he can’t accept opinions aside from his own. The way he forgets things. Important things.
There are times when I fantasize about beating him with my 800 paged Statistics textbook.
Plus he snores.
…
As I daydream on my bed he reaches out to me and pulls me closer to him. Our eyes meet and we smile to one another. He asks me whether I want to move in with him officially. I laugh at him and say I wouldn’t move in with him even if he paid me. He pouts then asks whether he can drop me off at the airport at the end of the month. Sneaks in a kiss to bribe me. Sneaky bugger. As I pause and stay silent as if seriously contemplating his request, he starts tickling me and soon we’re both on the floor breathless from laughter.
This is what we do. We make fun of each others flaws, give each other a hard time about it and eventually go overboard and snap at one another. But at the end of the day there’s always someone quietly taking the others hand and trying to make things better. Key word is try cause we both have pretty big egos. We both know what our faults are and we accept them especially with the other aggressively pointing it out. Sometimes I think we’re too frank with one another..
I don’t know about him but it’s the first time I’m really making an effort to change. Not who I am, but more of what I do. He says he’s already happy with who I am right now. And that makes me.. I dunno.. Happy?
Its weird how similar we both are and seem to understand one another.
Ah, I’ve just said a cliche.
He interupts my train of thoughts yet again by whining about how hungry he is. I remind him that slaves work to eat, not eat to work and order him to continue hanging my freshly laundered clothes into my wardrobe. I then proudly brandish a crumpled piece of paper stating his slavery term of a period of 72 hours. A legally binding document signed by the both of us. Turns out paying attention in Law class taught me something useful after all. He mutters something in French and continues his ‘chore’.
Yeah he’s not wonderful, but then again who is? ‘Wonder’ is at the beginning of that word for a reason and I think I’m beginning to be more accepting towards human drawbacks.
I hear him singing lyrics from a familiar love song. For someone hungry he sure has enough energy to spare. I roll my eyes but despite myself, feel a tiny smile spreading across my face.
He’s not wonderful, but I’m happy.
Plus he cooks for me and buys me yummy yummies. Yes!
Now let the games begin.
Lately I’ve been thinking about love/the emotion that people think they feel when they’ve lost all sense and become infatuated with another being. Phrases like ‘That no matter what, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will always love you no matter what’ or ‘That I will never be able to shut up about you, because I will never be able to stop thinking about you.’
Ah naivety.
Ah innocence. The pure act of building a world around just two people and proudly annoucing that your love is unconditional.
It doesn’t really work out in the end does it? Phrases like ‘I will love you forever till the day I die, my love’ shows promise of a life of eternal love. Thats crap though cause what they really mean deep down is
‘I love you for as long as you don’t cheat on me.’
‘I love you for as long as you earn enough money to fulfil my wants and needs.’
‘I love you for as long as you don’t abuse me.’
‘I love you for as long as you want me.’
‘I love you for as long as you be the person I want you to be.’
There is no such thing as unconditional love. The moment your partner does something stupid like cheat on you, give you an STD, steal all your money and runaway to a distant country to spend it on a some bimbo or hit you in the face, you pack your bags and leave. Even if you try to work it out, by Round Two or Three you would’ve given up and left anyway. We don’t really love people. We love the idea of what they can give us and the illusion of what we think they are. Cause as soon as we get caught in a situation that threatens our love, we turn our backs and walk the other way. And we can’t even love ourselves unconditionally as we start to curse our stupidity and damn the existence of our former selves.
Every morning when we wake up we take one of these two pills called ‘Love’ or ‘Waiting for Love’. Then as the pills take effect we go about our everyday motions and live through said misconception. I’m not doing that anymore. I just pop in a placebo as a formality and do what I want. It’s more self-fulfilling and I’m pretty damn satisfied with what I have right now. Big emphasis on satisfied.
So I’ve been thinking.
I’m a magnet for useless men. Whether they can be considered men or not will be discussed another day.
Moochers, losers, liars pfft don’t get me started.
Now it’s time to be a man ie. Go in, get what you want, leave with a surplus.
I’ve always done what I wanted to do, but now its going to be without a conscious.
Now go away and let me rebound in peace.
Yes, I’m talking to ‘you’.
you find out what people say about you behind your back? After building a trusting relationship/friendship with someone and lulling yourself into a sense of security, you discover things that make your eyes sting and insides shrink. With nothing left to show for it except the sheer evidence staring straight in your face. And that little voice whispering into your ear ‘Stupid. You’re so fucking stupid’.
I find out most of the time. In fact, I have regular conversations with the voice. And I’m not going to lie and pretend to be some emotionally detached person; it hurts. Everytime it happens I just want to lie down in a fetal position and think to myself over and over again ‘Oh god, not again’. You’d think that I would’ve gotten better at coping but I’m not. It’s taking a toll on me and lately its more than I’d like to show.
The thing is, I’m smarter and more intuitive than people give me credit for. I watch people, indentify their personalities and decide on how I want to react. Some might say that I’m shy around strangers but the fact is I’m calculating a range of actions and reactions that would take place. From that I customize my list of people to trust, and the more mistakes I make in analyzing, the more I learn, and that list of people inevitably grows shorter.
Cross.
Cross.
Cross.
One day there probably won’t be any names left on that list, and the thought of that makes me feel like the loneliest person in the world sometimes. But the more I get accustomed to the thought, the more I think I’m okay with it. There’s as much as one person can withstand. A limit to the number of times I can look at someone in the eye and wonder about their true intentions. I’m sitting precariously on a ledge and I’m tired. So tired..
But even as I close my weary eyes and losen my grip, I manage to take a peek through my half-closed eyelids and think to myself ‘No matter what, the view from the edge is goddamn beautiful’.
If I looked at you and spilled my heart… would I even recognize my voice? I feel so lost and it must be frustrating from someone else’s point of view but it’s not intentional. Does that ever really make anything better? Good intentions… Does anyone really ever set out with bad intentions? Even if they’re viewed as negative to someone else, there’s usually some reason they appealed to us in the first place right? Nobody really says “Hey, this is going to fuck up my life and everyone elses so I’m going to go for it” do they? So are all things done with good intentions? Even if the only good that’s supposed to come of it is personal satisfaction isn’t that a personally positive intent?
Weird random thoughts.
Look out for yourself.
Cause here on out, no one’s going to help you.
